Thursday, 20 July 2017

CHESTER BENNINGTON NOT LIVING ANYMORE


It is with some sadness that we at the Dairy Male have learned of the tragic suicide of Nu-Metal singing sensation Chester Bennington from Linkin Park. His brave yet fated sword battle with depression has been well documented elsewhere, his chronic moping-about probably all starting with him being lumbered with a prescription for National Health Service 'jam-jar-bottom problem-glasses', or something.

 Yet, it is with far, far greater sadness that we have learned of the passing of Austrian Prog-Rock legend Lumpy Welt aged 72 on the very same day.


Famed as the front man and electric-trombonist of 1970s Prog-Rock band Jism, Lumpy was lauded as a pioneer of both the Cosmic Twaddle and Distorted Scat genres of music.

Their seminal albums The Silence In Your Brain and A Punch Up The Guts were the two biggest selling records in Antwerp in the years between 1968-1984.

A spokesman for his family said he died peacefully in the early hours of Thursday morning after developing complications from his latest round of surgery in his decades-long battle against genital warts.

He will be sorely missed not only by his loved ones but by music fans, independent pharmaceutical vendors and middle-aged strumpets the world over.

KatzeAngriff records will be releasing a 3 CD compilation of the best of his 27 post-Jism solo-albums later this month entitled Get It While It's Lumpy as a tribute to his life's work and talent.

Keep on rocking Lumpy, you crazy arsehole.
We are also somewhat sorry to hear about the other chap.

JOHN MCCAIN HAS BRAIN CANCER

Former US President-wannabe and inventor of oven-ready chips (that's freedom fries to you Americans) John McCain has been diagnosed with brain cancer.
 


Wednesday, 19 July 2017

AUSTRALIAN PM: WOG COP GUNMAN'S ACTIONS 'INEXPLICABLE'

Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has called the actions of Somali pirate US cop Mohamed Noor 'inexplicable'.










 

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

STUDENTS VOTE TWICE

It has been discovered that many students voted twice during this year's General Election, leading to concerns that voting may be rigged.





Monday, 17 July 2017

GEORGE A ROMERO TURNED INTO ZOMBIE

It is with great sadness that we announce the zombification of film director George A Romero. 
 



Sunday, 16 July 2017

TONY BLAIR: "I DEFECATE ON YOUR DEMOCRATIC RIGHTS"

Tony Bliar has yet again shat in the faces of the British electorate with a flat-earth-shattering pile of poo that left even the last remaining white voters brown. 





Saturday, 15 July 2017

MAYWEATHER HITS MACGREGOR WITH HONKY RACIST CRACKER

The blows came in thick and fast in this epic encounter between the immortal Conor MacLeod McGregor and Lloyd Mayflower Jr. Early in the contest, McGregor hit Maypole with a heavy book, which stunned Fairweather with its complicated vocabulary and was deemed a low blow by referee and father Lloyd Carlweathers Sr.

 
Melville's Moby Dick left Mayflower all at sea