Slippery when wet: an angry Tony Blair this morning
Not satisfied with barbecuing babies on sticks in Aleppo and rigging the US elections by flooding America with Russian immigrants, it was revealed that the Russians have also pissed former British PM Tony Blair's bed. Blair, 63, was said to have been left "distraught" and "moist" by the incident last night.
An aide has informed us that Blair awoke at 2:12am to discover himself surrounded by a yellow pool of liquid that was slowly seeping into the mattress. He quickly leapt to his feet and checked the room for Russians. It appeared, however, that they had already made their escape. As neither a point of entry nor escape could be found, it has been concluded that it was the work of agents expert in the field.
A sample of the soiled mattress has been sent off for analysis, where a team of highly qualified scientists is expected to find that the offending liquid is the urine of none other than Vladimir Putin. Not content with killing veteran Black American boxing hero Apollo Creed in the ring back in 1985, Putin has since been wetting the beds of Western leaders everywhere.
Francoise Hollande was an early target. "Ca me faisait honte," the President was quoted as saying, adding an e to his first name in the process. Leaders who have been targetted since include Angela Merkel, Spanky Moon and O'Barry Bonobo, who turned a funny colour when questioned about the incident.
This not the first time Tony Blair has experienced such night time terrors. Already as a child, the Russians had singled out Blair as a future leader, pissing his bed every night until the mattress was completely sodden. He is expected to seek a restraining order against Premier Putin and sue for harassment. William Hague was today unavailable for comment.